What I wish for
by Carizo
Summary: Remus/lupin slash in a au where Lord Voldemort never existed.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing  
Note: English is not my first language so I would appreciate you tried to review my grammar also and not only the story.  
This is the first chapter, which is a short one, of a What If story that I have written. The What If in question is What if Lord Voldemort never existed.

It is a Lupin/Snape Slash.

Remus John Lupin stared up at the rising sun. He was curled up, shielding his naked form against the damp of the morning. The sky was beautifully rose tinted but he couldn't appreciate it. His body was badly hurt and he was covered in blood, not all his own. He had smelled it and he could smell the distinct smell of Padfoot, it was a slightly different scent from Sirius so he hoped that he hadn't killed the dog. Moony never killed animals, he was a human killer after all, but he couldn't know for sure. Why hadn't he taken the potion last night? What could've happened, what did happen? He remember that they had taken Peter Pettigrew and he had finally found out that Sirius never had betrayed them. Dear old Sirius, if they just had talked back then, trusted each other, then maybe nothing had happened. Maybe Sirius didn't have to spend all those years in azkaban slowly slipping into insanity. If they had realised that Peter was the traitor before it happened then James and Lily would still be alive. Remus started to cry, his sobs hurt his body but he wasn't able to stop. He tighten his grip around his legs and cried even harder. It felt like it was all Remus' fault. If he had supported Peter, helped him become a better man, a braver man, than he never would have lost his will to protect them. They shouldn't have pushed him away, they should have included him more, not acting like it was James, Sirius and Remus and then Peter that just tagged along because they shared dorm room.

Remus was also sure that it was his fault that Severus Snape had turned out the way he did. Remus should have stopped his friends from doing what they did, he should have seen that the pranks had turn into bullying. If James hadn't done what he did that day, Lily and Severus wouldn't have fallen apart, they still would be best friends and maybe that would have stopped Severus from becoming a Death Eater, becoming a shell of the man he once been, always hunted by the memories. Remus knew he should have told his best friends what he really felt. If he had done it they would have been nicer to Severus because they would always support one of their own. After all being in love with a greasy git was nothing compared to being a werewolf.

Remus stared up at the sun again, his tears trailing paths down his dirty and bloody face. It wasn't Remus fault. It was his fault.

If he never had existed Sirius never would have been sent to prison and all those people that died in the war would still be alive.  
If he never had existed Severus never had to watch his best friend die because of his own actions.  
Then Peter never had to betrayed them, killing both Lily and James.

Remus saw the sun slowly rise and the last thought before he fell into the darkness of his mind was.  
"I wish Tom Riddle never had existed"


	2. Chapter 2 Waking up

Chapter 2: Waking up

It was always hard to wake up after a full moon, the body was in pain and even breathing was almost too much. But it was over for this time and he was grateful that he had survived.  
He moved a bit, feeling the soft sheets of the bed that he knew was in the hospital wing. His arms felt okay, one or two broken ribs, legs felt like they had wounds, but nothing was broken there. He wondered what had happened last night, Moony usually didn't attack himself when he had company.

'Company?' he heard a confused voice in his head, a faint and older voice he nearly recognised as his own.  
'Eh, yes' it felt a bit strange to talk to a voice in your own head. 'Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail, remember them?'  
The voice didn't say anything more which he was very happy about. Remus knew he was a strange person but talking to himself that was just to much.

"Darling!"  
Remus smiled at the voice and opened his eyes to meet Sirius grey ones.  
"What have you done to me?" He growled and tried to sit up.  
Sirius looked as perfect as he always did with his gorgeous black, wavy hair falling down to his shoulders. He had apparently not been in any trouble. Sirius eyes shifted nervously before he leaned closer and whispered.  
"Moony was a bit angry last night, we had to run all over the forest to keep him occupied"  
"James and Peter?" Remus asked, now afraid for his friends safety. Wormtail was such a small creature, Moony could have eaten him without even noticing.  
"They're fine" Sirius was smiling again and decided to crawl up next to Remus in his bed. "You know what we should do, Remus?"  
"Yes I know what you think we should do" Remus said with a laugh that hurt his lungs. "But you're not gay remember"  
"Darnit, I always forget that" Sirius rolled his eyes.  
Madam Pomfrey heard that Remus was awaken so she came over. She pushed Sirius out of the bed with a stern look and started to mend Remus broken ribs. She didn't want to do this when he was asleep because it was also important for the boy to get his rest. Every month he was in her hospital wing tired and wounded, but lately his wounds hadn't been as bad and she wondered why. She had a feeling that it had something to do with the boys friends, those who caused more children to come to her wing than anyone else had done before. Remus was such a good boy, why did he have to be friends with those, those hooligans.

At dinner Remus was able to join his friends in the Great Hall. He sat down next to James where he could have a free sight over to the Slytherin table. James was going on about his undying love for Lily Evans but Remus didn't really listen. He seldom had to listen when James was talking about Lily, just nod once in a while and if more talk had to be involved he could trust that Peter would say the right words. Peter never got lost in his own fantasies, he was always there, body and mind.

'Don't do that' the same voice from before said, startling Remus out of his staring at the table waiting for the boy of his fantasies.  
'Do what?' he asked, once again starting to feel insane.  
'Don't take Peter for granted, he has more worth than that'  
'I know that, of course I know it because you are me thinking this. Merlin this is confusing'  
Maybe he really was insane, maybe you became insane after being a werewolf for too long, just look at Greyback, he sure was a raving lunatic.

Remus refocused his eyes to his own table instead of the Slytherin one and looked at Peter. He was busy shovelling in food into his mouth at the same time as he was watching James with intense eyes. Not wanting to miss anything he said. Beside him Sirius was sitting, looking at his own reflection in a spoon. Merlin, that boy was ridiculously vain. Remus shifted his eyes back to Peter and asked, while interrupted James tale of that Lily hadn't hexed him the day before.  
"How does your O.W.L studies go Pete?"  
Peter looked surprised at Remus. He wasn't that good in school and he had problems with most of the classes.  
"Not that great" he admitted, looking a bit sheepish.  
"If you want we could study together"  
Peter looked exited at that, Remus had helped him several times before but then he had always called it tutoring. Studying together was what James, Sirius and Remus did. Peter had never been included in that. He agreed to and Remus gave him that little sweet smile that he so often used against his friends and for once Peter actually felt like they where his friends and he wasn't just tagging along. Then Remus lost his focus and started to stare at the Great Hall entrance and James continued with his story like he never had been interrupted. Peter nodded towards James but lost a bit of his usual concentration. He was of course interested in James tales, even though he repeated himself several times, but instead he started to think about the O.W.L exam. He had been terrified about it before, but maybe things would work out, maybe he wouldn't fail so badly if he got help.

'He is so beautiful, why doesn't anyone see this' Remus thought when he saw the black haired boy stalk into the Great hall and towards his table. His hair fell down as a curtain around his face, almost fully hiding it, but Remus could see the dark eyes that always made his inside turn. The nose was sticking out too of course, nothing could hide that and even though Remus knew that most people thought that large hooked nose was disgusting Remus thought it was perfect. Everything was perfect with Severus Snape. His thin, cruel lips, his sharp facial structure, his glossy hair, his thin frame. The way he walked, the way he always sneered at him, even the way he hexed Remus' friends.  
'I really am insane, aren't I?'  
Remus sighed and watched as Severus sat down besides his friends Avery and Mulciber. Those three and Rosier was like the Slytherin version of the Marauders, though their pranks wasn't as innocent as the Gryffindors.  
'How can I have fallen in love with someone like that?' Remus couldn't understand it, but he knew he couldn't stop it. It was way to late for that.

"Slytherin again?" Remus startled out if his thoughts and stared at Sirius that had turned around to see what Remus was watching. "It's not my little brother is it?"  
"No" Remus rolled his eyes.  
"Because if it was it would be better if you shagged me instead, we look mostly the same and I'm the good one"  
"I don't usually shag heterosexual guys" Remus said, not that he had actually shagged anyone which they all knew.  
"Regulus isn't gay" Sirius said and pouted.  
"Merlin, I'm not interested in your little brother"

'Maybe you should tell them' The voice was back again  
'Never going to happen' Remus growled and got a strange look from Sirius. The always friendly Remus didn't start to growl for no apparent reason.  
Remus shook his head and excused himself, but when he started to get up he saw that Severus was watching him and those eyes burned a whole into his scull. He felt faint but he collected himself and left.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Interrupt

The four boys had been in the library and studied for several hours. Well, mostly it was Peter and Remus who studied because Lily had been in the library also which caused James to have problems with his concentration and Sirius had been snogging some 6th year Hufflepuff.

Between the books Remus and Peter was whispering about the future and life in general. Remus said he wanted to become a teacher, not that he could since he was a werewolf, but everyone was allowed to dream and Peter didn't know what he wanted.

"I'm not good at anything" he whispered looking sad.

"Of course you are" Remus smiled at him "You are a animagus, that's really hard and you are great at charms. Oh, and at Wizard Chess, which reminds me that I've had wanted to ask you if you could teach me that?"

Peter looked so happy over the praise that Remus felt guilty. He whispered so none of the others could hear "You know that you belong don't you? You are a marauder just as much as the rest of us"

Peter didn't say anything, he just stared at his book and then after a while he nodded. Peter knew, he knew that they were his best friend but he was so bloody weak. A coward, not at all like the Gryffindor he wanted to be. The sorting hat had placed him in Gryffindor. It had told him that he was on a turning point, He could turn into a brave and loyal man or he could turn into the coward and weakling he was right now. But he didn't want to be that person, he wanted to deserve the friendship he got from the rest of the Marauders. And Remus told him that he wanted his help, Remus that knew everything. Peter decided that this was the turning point the hat had talked about. He wanted to change.

"I think we should take a brake" Sirius said suddenly.

"What happened to the girl?" Remus asked and looked around in the library.

"Are you jealous darling?" Sirius leaned over the table towards Remus.

"Help me" Remus pleaded to Peter who was still reading his book. Without looking up he said "Sorry Siri, Remus have decided that he rather shags me than you"

Sirius gave Peter a surprised look, he had never been involved in their shag jokes before. "Do you rather shag a rat than a dog?"

"I rather walk the road less travelled" Remus smirked

Sirius eyes got wide and he shouted "Are you saying I'm a whore?"

"Everybody says you are a whore" James was now interfering. "And since your yelling will get us thrown out in just a couple of seconds, maybe we should go out for a while"

Sure enough the librarian arrived and showed the boys out, that was a thing that always happened if all four of them was there. Or rather if Sirius was there at all.

They walked towards their special spot, one of the big trees close to the lake. James and Sirius was walking in the front talking about girls as usual and Peter and Remus was walking close behind, Remus with his nose in a book. He had learned to walk and read a long time ago even though the others in the gang laughed at him. Suddenly James stopped in front of him which made Remus stumble and swear.

"Snivellus has taken our spot!" James said angrily.

Remus looked past the boys and saw that Severus was sitting under the tree with a large book in his lap.

"This is a good time to try out that new spell I found" James had a cruel smirk on his lips when he raised his wand towards the black haired Slytherin.

'Stop him' The voice screamed in Remus head 'You can't let him do this, this will destroy everything'

Remus didn't know what everything was but he reacted on instinct. He dropped his book, rushed past the boys and threw himself in front of Severus that hadn't seen that they were coming. The spell hit him and he found himself dangling upside down with his robes gliding downwards, showing his scarred legs.  
A second later he was sitting in the grass with three shocked boys staring at him.

"You can't do that Remus, you didn't know what spell I was going to use" James face was pale.

"Everything you can throw on Severus you can throw on me" Remus panted.

He glanced behind him and could see that Severus was still there, looking just as chocked.

"This has to stop" Remus finally said, standing up. "This isn't pranks any longer, this isn't fun. I wont stand by and watch you torment the boy I like any longer."

"He's the Slytherin" Sirius said with a weak voice, then suddenly he smirked and said "Well, no wonder you don't want me if you're into greasy hair and big noses"

Remus relaxed a bit, Sirius was on his side.

"Peter, James" Remus pleaded.

Peter shook his head like he was trying to clear it then he smiled at Remus, showing that he would be okay. James on the other hand was still shocked.

"If you like Lily, don't you think you should start with being civil to her best friend?"

James blinked and stared down at his wand that he still was holding outstretched. He lowered it.

"He isn't a nice guy Remus" James said with a low voice, still not looking up.

"I know he isn't, but I can't help how I feel, you should know that."

"I need to think" James said and turned around. He started to walk towards the castle and the rest of the Marauders looked after him.

"We will talk to him" Peter said and Sirius nodded, hooked a arm around his neck and walked after their leader.

Remus was standing alone when he heard a low voice behind him saying "You like me?".

He did the only thing he could think of, he ran.

Remus was in panic, he wanted to stop his friends from attacking Severus, he wanted them to know he liked him, but he really didn't want Severus to know. That was not in the plan. James had said it, Severus wasn't a nice guy, he could use this information against Remus in so many ways. Sure, Severus hadn't hexed or cursed him, but that was most likely just because he was chocked by this new information.

"Shit Shit Shit" he whined while he ran through the castle and up the stairs to the Gryffindor tower.

Severus was the most talented wizard of all the students and everybody knew that he had an interest for dark arts. Some people whispered that he was on the road to become a Dark Wizard and like all other Slytherins he had an fascination for blood-purity. Which in itself was strange since Severus was a half-blood just like Remus was. But that meant that Severus never could like Remus back because his mother was a muggle. Not counting the fact that Remus had no idea if Severus liked blokes or girls, he had never shown any interest for anyone except for Lily.

Remus stopped in front of the portrait of the fat lady, staring at her. Was Severus in love with Lily? Did he have a relationship with her and was that the reason why she wasn't interested in James? When Remus finally came up to his room that he shared with his best friends, he felt like his heart had broken in thousand pieces. None of the other boys were there so he just threw himself on the bed, buried his face in the pillow. Did he give up his friendship with James over a boy that never would like him back?

'It was the right thing to do' the older voice said. 'Even though he will never love you, you saved him from a life of self hate'

'You know a lot of things old man' Remus thought, not even caring how insane it was to talk with himself like this.

'He would've become a Death Eater, started to serve Lord Voldemort, it's better this way'

Remus sat up, now starting to get freaked out. This couldn't be normal.

'Death Eater? Lord who? I have never heard anything like that before.'

'There is no Death Eaters?' The voice sounded insecure 'I knew who they were at your age'

'I'm going insane, I'm going insane, I'm going insane' Remus chanted and closed his eyes. This was just too much. The voice in his head talked about things he never had heard of, one of his best friends avoided him and he had told the boy from his dreams that he liked him. It couldn't get any worse than this. But apparently he was wrong.

Suddenly Sirius slid in to the room with huge eyes and shouted "There is a Snake in the Lions Den. Lily lead a Snake into the Lions Den!"

He was so excited that he was jumping in front of Remus who just stared at him.

"Severus?" Remus asked confused.

"You have to go down there" Sirius was still yelling even though they were standing close "Go down to the snake before something happens."

That made Remus move, a Slytherin in the Gryffindor common room, that was not a good idea. Why had Lily let him in, he had never been there before even though those two had been friends since before they started at Hogwarts.

Severus Snape was standing in the middle of the room, with rigid back and clutching a book in his hands. The room was quiet as a graveyard, every Gryffindor holding their breath waiting for what was going to happened. Remus wondered if the rumours already had spread, that the stupid Lion fancied a snake.

When Remus stopped in front of the boy, Severus reached out the book and gave it to Remus.

"Your book" he said.

Remus stared down at it, It was the book he had dropped when he rushed to help Severus but why hadn't he just given the book to Lily so she could give it back to him. There was no reason for him to come into the tower because of that.

"Is it true?"

Remus knew what it was Severus wanted to know, he thought that maybe he should just joke around. Saying that it was a prank, but he decided against it.

"Yes" Remus whispered, still staring down at his book.

"Oh" was the only thing Severus said before he was gone, leaving a chocked crowed of Gryffindors behind. Lily looked over at Remus and than she ran after Severus.

Remus didn't understand the emotions in her eyes, didn't understand the emotions in his own heart. He had always known it was no possible way for them to be together, he knew that Severus never would like a Gryffindor and even worse a Marauder. But the pain was horrible and it was worse than transforming into a werewolf every month. This was like dying.

He fell down to the floor and felt arms around his body and hands in his hair, caressing.

"I'm so sorry Remus" he heard James voice from behind him.

"He don't know what he is missing" Sirius said from his side.

"We'll take care of you" Peter was in front of him, hugging him close.

Remus cried, in the middle of the common room, with his three best friends holding him tight.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: What I wish for

Remus John Lupin stared up at the rising sun. He was curled up, shielding his naked form against the damp of the morning. The sky was beautifully rose tinted and he marvelled how wonderful the sight was. His body hurt like it always did after a transformation and he started to get a bit too old to fall asleep outside. He was only 33 years old but his body had taken too much damage of the monthly changes and made him look older, feel older.

'I remember this' the voice that now sounded exactly like his said. The voice hadn't talked to him for several years now, but he knew that it didn't mean him any harm. Except that one time when Remus had been piss drunk and told Peter that he was a traitor, Severus that he was a murderer, James and Lily that they were dead and Sirius that he was in prison. That hadn't been popular.

Strangely enough Remus also had a feeling he remembered this, like it was a memory from years back.

'It's the night after we caught Wormtail' The voice continued. 'You turned into a werewolf in front of the kids, risking their life'

Remus shook his head, that wasn't what had happened the night before.

He remembered that he had cherished the feel of the grass under his paws, the wind in his fur. He had been alone but with the potion he could control himself, being more of a man than a wolf and never had to fear to bite anyone. Life was so much easier now when he had the Wolfbane potion, the Potion that Snape created for him, even though he often told him that he never would do it again but did anyway through grunts and curses.

Remus stretched out in the grass, still staring up at the sun, when he heard footsteps behind him. Footsteps he knew so well that he didn't have to look behind him.

"There you are wolf" the low voice travelled towards him. "Did you expect me to search the whole bloody forest for you"

"Didn't expect you to search after me at all" Remus said, now laying in the grass looking up at the man that stood above him.

Severus was wearing his usual black robe, his glossy hair fell down around his face when he was looking down at the man in front of his feet. Remus could see how Severus eyes travelled down from his face and over his body and it made his naked member start to fill with blood and slowly rise from it's previous position. Severus smirked at that sight.

"Did you plan to walk into the castle like that?" he asked and dropped a folded robe down on Remus' chest. "You would scare the children"

Remus laughed and pulled himself up, wincing at the pain. He got help from Severus to stand up and get dressed, and then they slowly started to walk back to the castle.

"I told you to stay inside, I don't understand why I do this potion for you when you just decided to run outside like you still was a teenager. Lunatic"

"Because you love me" Remus said sleepily and leaned against Severus.

"And those bloody idiotic kids, they wanted to see the werewolf, like you are some kind of circus freak"

"What kids?" Remus asked while they passed the huge door and got inside the castle. It was so early that no students where out yet. No other teachers either, just the Potions professor that had his arm tightly around the Professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts.

"What kids do you think" Severus spit looking furiously.

"Potter, Weasley, Black and Pettigrew?" Remus gave a weak laugh.

"Obviously. They came in Potters old invisibility cloak, but I heard them and snatched it from them"

"How long detention did they get?"

"Two weeks"

Remus looked up at the dark haired man. "Isn't that a little harsh, I mean Pettigrew is just in his first year and Black is in his second. You know that it is Harry and Ron that tricked them into it."

"Indeed it was, but that does not make it any less off a violation to the curfew. I can't believe I have to deal with a whole new generations of Marauders."

"And their children after that" Remus smiled.

They were down in the dungeons now, stepping into their shared bedroom and Severus helped Remus get undressed again and down into the bed. They curled up next to each other and Remus felt the love coming from his partner since 18 years back and he nuzzled close to his chest. Just before he slipped into his sleep he heard, for the last time in his life, the voice saying

'I got everything I wished for.'


End file.
